Home » TV » Brady Bunch » Brady Bunch S1E1 – Pilot Episode: “The Honeymoon” – Full Transcription, script

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Alice – Are you finished with this juice Peter?
Mike – Ok, now look boys let’s all eat a good a breakfast today. I know you’re bound to be nervous, but we have to have plenty of nourishment and energy and that’s why it’s important to have a good breakfast.
Greg – We’re almost finished dad.
Peter – Yeah, you didn’t eat anything at all.
Mike – Oh yeah well, I’ll just have my coffee.
Alice – I don’t blame you for being nervous Mr. Brady. This is a very important Saturday.
Mike – Alice, I know it’s a very important Saturday. Who said I’m nervous? I’m mature and logical and I know I’m doing the right thing. Why should I be nervous? What makes you think I’m nervous?
Alice – It’s the first time I ever saw you take 21 spoons of sugar.
Mike – I like it sweet.
Alice – Every bridgrooms a little jumpy Mr. Brady.
Greg – It’s a normal male reaction dad. For your generation.
Peter – I once saw a movie where a man was getting married. He was so nervous, he forgot to put his pants on.
Bobby – You’re okay dad.
Mike – Thanks a lot and would you sit down?
Alice – I’m sure you’re going to be very happy. Mrs. Martin is a lovely woman.
Greg – She’s outta site dad.
Peter – Groovy.
Bobby – I think she’s neato.
Mike – Well that makes it unanimous, I think she’s pretty special myself.
Alice – Well I certainly hope the bride isn’t as nervous as the groom.
Mike – Not my bride. I’m sure the future Mrs. Brady is cool, calm and collected.
Carol – I’m shaking life a leaf. The wedding’s only an hour away and I can’t even brush your hair. And I’ve gotta fix yours too. And Cindy, what happened to your curls? A half hour ago, I made you curls. Oh, look at me. Brides are supposed to be beautiful and I look awful.
Marcia – We think you look beautiful.
Cindy – Ahuh
Carol – How can you girls sit there and say that I look beautiful?
Cindy – Cause we love you.
Carol – Girls. You do like Mike don’t you?
Marcia – Sure we like him.
Jan – A lot.
Cindy – You know how much we like him?
Carol – How much?
Cindy – This much.
Carol – I’m sure we’re all going to be very happy. You’re going to be happy, I’m going to be happy. And Mike’s going to be happy. And Greg, Peter and Bobby. They’re going to be happy.
Cindy – If we’re all going to be so happy, how come your eyes look like they’re going to cry?
Carol – Because grownups are silly. Sometimes they cry when they are happy.
Jan – That must be Mike
Carol – What makes you think so?
Jan – It’s always Mike
Carol – Hello. It’s Mike. I’m just fine honey, how are you?
Mike – I’m nervous, that’s how I am, nervous
Carol – Well, to tell the truth, I’ve got a few butterflies in my stomach.
Cindy – Were you sleeping with your mouth open Mommy?
Carol – What?
Cindy – How’d those butterflies get into your stomach?
Carol – They’re not real butterflies sweetheart. I’ll explain it to you later. Hold a minute Mike, would you? Why don’t you girls go along ad get your clothes ready, and I’ll be along in a minute to help, okay?
Jan – Oooooh, can’t we stay here?
Marcia – C’mon, the bride and groom want to talk privately.
Carol – Thank you Miss Protocol
Marcia – It’s alright.
Carol – I’m sorry Mike. Cindy thought there were real butterflies in my stomach.
Mike – You’re lucky if you only have butterlies, I have 6 flying saucers in mine.
Carol – Why don’t you take a tranquilizer?
Mike – I took one.
Carol – Well maybe you should take another one.
Mike – Nothing doing. I wanna be calm for the ceremony, but there’s a honeymoon to consider.
Carol – That’s an architect for you. Always planning ahead.
Mike – How you coming?
Bobby – Okay dad.
Mike – Let’s have a little inspection here. Looks like you got dressed in the dark here. There you go. Well, Bobby, you look pretty good.
Bobby – You look good too dad.
Mike – Thank you very much. Now let’s get going. A man can’t be late for a wedding. Especially his own. Where’s your mother’s picture Bobby?
Bobby – I put it away. In the drawer.
Mike – Because of Carol?
Bobby – I thought she might not like it when she moves in.
Mike – Come here Bobby. Now you can put it right back son.
Bobby – Are you sure?
Mike – I’m positive. I don’t want you to forget your mother. And neither does Carol.
Bobby – Gee, that’s swell. I really like this picture, but I didn’t want to upset my new mom.
Mike – You know something? Your mother be very proud of you right now. Greg, Peter
Greg – Just combing our hair dad
Mike – Well c’mon we can’t wait all day.
Peter – We’re all dressed up. So is Tiger.
Mike – Sorry fellas, Tiger stay home. Now this is just for the family.
Peter – Alice is gonna be there.
Mike – Alice is a member of the family.
Peter – So is Tiger.
Bobby – He’s our brother.
Mike – Now look boys, I love you and I love Tiger too, but we are not taking a dog to a wedding.
Greg – Hey look dad, the caterers are here
Bobby – Good I’m hungry
Mike – Hungry? You just ate breakfast. You’ll eat after the wedding. Get out the other side boys.
Carol’s mom – Fluff them out a little. Oh that’s better. Henry!
Henry – I was just testing dear.
Carol’s mom – They’ll be plenty of time for that when the guests arrive. Thank you.
Carol – Oh, mom and dad, it all looks so beautiful. The wedding’s going to be lovely.
Henry – Well, wait til you and Mike get the bill dear. Hahahaha.
Carol’s mom – Henry.
Carol – Oh mother, I know he’s kidding. I don’t know what I would have done without you two these past few years.
Cindy – I don’t know what I would have done either.
Henry – Ahhaha, you wanna know something? We’re really going to miss you sweetheart.
Cindy – You’re going to visit us, aren’t you grandpa?
Carol – Of course they are Cindy. Mike’s house is only 2—minutes away.
Henry – Sure
Carol’s mom – Oh, that must be another telegram
Cindy – Hey, let me get it, let me get it.
Henry – Alright, off you go
Mike – Hey, you look pretty
Cindy. Hiiiiiiii.
Mike – Well you sound a little disappointed.
Cindy – I thought you were going to be a telegram.
Carol – Hi Mike, Greg, Peter, Bobby, Tiger. Tiger? You brought Tiger? He’ll frighten Fluffy to death.
Mike – Fluffy, I forgot about the cat. Greg, put Tiger back in the car.
Greg, Peter, Bobby, Tiger – Awe, do we have to? Gee. Arf.
Carol – No no wait Mike, we’ll keep Fluffy up in the girl’s room.
Mike – Oh, we don’t want you to lock up Fluffy. Greg, Peter, you go and put Tiger back in the car.
Greg – Okay Dad.
Peter – C’mon Tiger.
Mike – And put the top up and open the window a bit
Carol – C’mon in Bobby.
Carol’s mom – Hellooooo
Henry – Mike, so you decided to show up afterall.
Carol’s mom – Henry.
Mike – Sorry, Mrs Tyler, I don’t get upset very easily.
Bobby – Oh yeah? This morning he put 21 spoons of sugar in his coffee.
Mike – don’t exaggerate.
Bobby – But he didn’t forget his pants
Carol – Cindy, why don’t you take Bobby upstairs and tell the girls your new brothers are here okay?
Cindy – Okay, c’mon. I got a swell new dollhouse
Bobby – Dollhouse? Dad
Mike – That sounds like fun
Bobby – Yuck.
Mike – Bobby, remember what I told you.
Cindy – C’mon.
Carol’s mom – Don’t they look cute together.
Mike – Thank you.
Carol’s mom – I mean the kids.
Mike – Oh, I see.
Carol – Mike, I want you to see something.
Mike – What, you have a swell new dollhouse too?
Carol – Oh Mike. Mom and Dad, would you excuse us?
Henry – Why sure?
Carol – Well, what do you think?
Mike – Heeeeey, everything looks beautiful.
Carol – Did you say everything looks beautiful?
Mike – Oh, everything. The flowers are beautiful, the cake is beautiful, the hors d’oeuvres look beautiful.
Carol – Well aren’t you forgetting something?
Mike – Oh, the silverware looks beautiful too.
Carol – Thank you. Well, how do I look?
Mike – You my dear, are pretty than flowers, sweeter than the cake, more appetizing than the hors d’oeuvres and more sparkling than the silverware.
Carol – Oh Mike, be serious.
Mike – You wanna know something?
Carol – Yes.
Mike – I am serious.
Carol – A few years ago, I thought it was the end of the world.
Mike – Now it’s just the beginning, for both of us.
Carol – Uh Uh – For all of us.
Mike – The whole blooming Brady bunch.
Minister – Now, Carol Ann, Michael Paul, will join hands please. Do you, Carol Ann take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, to honor and obey, to love and to love and cherish in sickness and in health til death do you part?
Carol – I do
Minister – Do you Michael Paul, take this woman to byour lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, to honor and obey, to love and cherish, til death do you part?
Mike – I do
Minister – I now pronounce you man and wife. They whom God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. Well aren’t you going to kiss the bride?
Mike – You bet I am
Girls – Fluffy!!!
Mike – I told you boys to put that dog back in the car.
Greg – We did dad
Mike – Well, put him back
Girls – Fluffy, Fluffy
Carol – Stop it, you’re ruining the wedding
Mike – Grab him.
Greg – We got him
Carol – Girls stop that screaming.
Mike – You boys wanted to bring that dog, now go get him. Tiger!
Carol’s mom – I’m so sorry everybody, just sit quiet.
Henry – That’s quite alright.
Carol’s mom – Henry will you please do something?
Henry – Will you calm down, everything’s going to be alright
Alice – Tiger! Tiger!
Carol – Can’t you control that dog?
Alice – Yes Ma’am.
Carol – Thank you Alice.
Alice – Tiger! Tiger! Sit! Sit! Not you sir. Tiger!
Carol’s mom and Henry – That dog, not Fluffy, the dog.
Carol’s mom – Alice, what’s the dog’s name?
Alice – Tiger
Alice and Carol’s mom – Tiger, Tiger!
Greg – Tiger, if you don’t stop, you’re going to get it.
Bobby – Tiger, don’t eat that cat.
Alice – Tiger
Carol – Oh Reverend, I’m so sorry.
Minister – It’s alright. Everything’s gonna be alright.
Wedding guest – Waiter, get me some ice please.
Boys – Tiger! Tiger!
Marcia – There she goes
Carol – Mike, thank goodness you saved the cake. Mike! Hahahahaha
Mike – Just we wanted. A nice quiet wedding.
Desk Clerk – Boy, show Mr. and Mrs Manners to room 312 please. I do hope you folks enjoy your stay. Hahahaha, and may I be of service to you?
Mike – Thank you very much, Mr. and Mrs. Brady and we have reservations.
Desk Clerk – Yes, Mr. Brady, let me see now. Brady, Brady, oh yes, Mr. Brady you have the honeymoon suite.
Mike – Yes, that’s right, the honeymoon suite.
Desk Clerk – Would you care to register please?
Mike – Thank you.
Desk Clerk – Now I am Mr. Pringle. If there is anything I can do, just call on me.
Mike – Thank you.
Desk Clerk – Thank you. Uh, oh oh oh, Mr. Brady, you have signed this Mr. Brady and Family.
Mike – Oh, I forgot, that’s force of habit, the kids aren’t with us.
Mr. Pringle – Well you did ask for the honeymoon suite.
Carol – It’s quite alright Mr. Pringle, you see…
Mike – It’s alright darling, there’s no need to explain, it’s obvious this gentleman doesn’t dig the modern generation.
Boy – Mr. and Mrs. Brady for suite H
Carol – Thank you Mr Pringle.
Mr. Pringle – Oh, you’re welcome.
Mike – Honey?
Carol – Yes?
Mike – Champagne’s ready.
Carol – Champagne? Where did that come from?
Mike – The hotel sent it up, how about that?
Carol – Lovely
Mike – There you go. Well, here’s to a great big bubbly life together.
Carol – Oh, I forgot.
Mike – What?
Carol – Champagne has a terrible effect on me. It makes me dizzy.
Mike – Champagne has a terrible effect on me too.
Carol – What
Mike – You’ll find out.
Carol – Michael Brady , you stop that or I’ll?
Mike – You’ll what?
Cindy – I was afraid Tiger was going to hurt Fluffy. I couldn’t help screaming and neither could Marcia and Jan. But mamma yelled us anyway. She didn’t even yell at the boys. And it was their dog that chased Fluffy. Maybe she likes them better than us.
Carol – I fell funny about Cindy, and Marcia and Jan too. I shouldn’t have scolded them at the wedding.
Mike – I shouldn’t have yelled at the boys.
Carol – But it was such a mess. Tiger was chasing Fluffy and hors d’oeuvres were flying. And all those ice cubes. Poor Mrs. Feldman and her frozen front.
Mike – How about my nose full of wedding cake? I’m still sneezing Rosebuds.
Carol – Oh, you were a sight. Mike, I feel guilty about the kids.
Mike – Hey, wait a minute. We’re on our honeymoon, we’re supposed to be enjoying ourselves. Those kids are fine, I’m sure they’ve forgotten all about it by now.
Carol – You’re probably right.
Mike – Yeah, of course I’m right. Listen, I know my boys. They can miserable one minute and laughing the next. Right now I’ll bet they’ve got a smile on their faces a mile wide.
Alice – Okay, when boys don’t eat cake there’s gotta be a reason. Let’s have it.
Greg – Dad shouldn’t have yelled at us. We were only trying to help.
Peter – He didn’t yell at the girls and it was their cat that caused the trouble.
Bobby – He only yelled at boys. Us.
Greg – I guess that’s how it’s going to be around here from now on. Just because they’re Carol’s kids. We’re gonna get blamed for everything.
Alice – Now you men don’t really believe that.
Greg – We sure do. When those girls move in, they’re gonna take over.
Peter – Yeah, they’re gonna be dad’s favorites.
Bobby – Yeah.
Mike – It’s a marvelous hotel
Carol – And the service. The Service is great.
Mike – I told you put that dog back in the car.
Carol – Girls stop that screaming right now, you’re ruining the wedding. Whoopee
Mike – Yahoo!
Carol – You know the answer as well as I do.
Mike – Let’s go.
Carol – Like this?
Mike – It’s an emergency.
Mr. Pringle – Mr. Brady
Mike – Don’t worry Mr. Pringle we’ll be back
Cindy – Mommy.
Carol – Shhh. You’ll frighten Grandma and Grandpa
Mike – C’mon girls, wake up girls, c’mon.
Marcia – What’s going on?
Mike – How would you girls like to come along with us?
Jan – On your honeymoon?
Carol – That’s right
Cindy – Oh boy, I’ve never been on a honeymoon .
Jan – Neither have I, and I’m older than you are.
MIke – Shh shh shhh
Marcia – What can you expect from children?
Carol – Mike, I better wake mom and dad and tell them we’re taking the girls. Would you pack a few things for them?
Mike – Yup.
Mike – Bobby? Bobby?
Bobby – Dad
Carol – Hi Bobby.
Mike – Peter, Peter, wake up c’mon
Peter – What are you doing here?
Greg – Hey, what’s happening?
Mike – How would you boy like to come with us on our honeymoon?
Greg – What?
Carol – Marcia, Jan and Cindy are waiting downstairs.
Bobby – Wow! I’d love to go on a honeymoon. What should I take?
Greg – A girl, dummy.
Mike – That’ll do Greg. C’mon Peter, get up.
Greg – I’m going back to bed.
Peter – Aren’t you going with us ?
Greg – Not me, I’m too old to go on a honeymoon
Bobby – Dad’s older than you and he’s going.
Mike – C’mon Greg, we’re all going to go together, so go get some clothes on. You boys get ready too. Honey, I’m gonna go wake Alice and tell her.
Alice – Alice is right here.
Mike – Alice what are you doing up at this hour?
Alice – Well, I figured you’d be back. I packed the boys clothes last night.
Mr. Pringle – Mr. Brady
Mike – It’s okay Mr. Pringle, they’re with us.
Carol – If there’s anything that’s better than a honeymoon for two, it’s a honeymoon for eight.
Cindy – You mean a honeymoon for nine mommy.
Jan – You mean a honeymoon for ten
Carol – Fluffy.
Mike – Tiger?
Peter – Eleven
Bobby – Don’t forget Alice
Cindy – That makes twelve
Mike – Alice, I know this is a stupid question, but what are you two doing here?
Alice – Well, he wouldn’t go to sleep without you. Besides, I figured someone ought to look after the kids.
Mike – Hey, good thinking. Okay gang, let’s go!
Cindy – Ladies first
Greg – No, it’s by age
Carol – Be careful of Cindy
Mike – only one way to handle it. ATTENTION! Okay, fall in. Right here. According to size, and big ones first. C’mon, fast. In the ranks back there, c’mon. No talking in the ranks. C’mon, hurry up. Okay, left foot first, foooorward, harch.
Carol – Good night Mr. Pringle.
Mike – Left left left right left, left left left right left.

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