Home » Cooking » Select-a-size? No, Thank You


I had a huge crush on the Brawny guy growing up. I suppose “had” isn’t completely honest, but I’m working on it, and well, it’s not cheap. And just to be clear, I’m not talking about the NEW Brawny guy…he’s a dick. What’s with the high cheek-bones and the tight jeans? He’s not Brawny, he’s a big queen and his boyfriend is probably the casting director. I’m talking about old school Brawny. The guy who would walk in with his untied work boots and his one-syllable words, stinking of 12-hour logger musk. The kind of guy who hopped in his 10-ton diesel and threw back a pint of Johnny Black on the way home to our townhouse. Yeah, him. Bring that ol’ pile of man stank over here, and have a seat. Don’t you worry, I’ve got everything taken care of. Dinner’s almost ready and here’s an ice cold beer. I just poured it for you out of the Keg-O-Rator I bought for you, and yeah it’s in that 32-oz heavy-handled glass mug that I’ve had in the freezer. I know that’s what you wanted. We both know it’s what you deserve. You just have a seat and relax. You’ve done the work of 5 men today and now, you’re home. Your palace, and me, oh, well, I’m just lucky to be here with you. I’ve got the TV queued up to the news, and the volume’s on nice and soft. You just hit “play” when you’re good and ready. Pardon? Oh, sure you go ahead and take a nap. Dinner will keep as long as you need it to. You won’t even know I’m here.

Yeah, that Brawny guy.

New Brawny, aka “Select-a-Size,” hasn’t got a rat-shit clue what it’s like out there. He can’t make a choice (because then he’d be accountable), and puts the burden on you, me…us. “Here, you folks determine what size towel you’ll need and what works best for your family.” Like I don’t have enough to juggle? I don’t need this shit. I’m making dinner! And don’t make me wake up that mother fucker in the chair cause he will fuck your shit up at the snap of my beer-battered fingers (I’m making onion rings to go with his porterhouse – OB loves my onion rings).

Nothing (not even pulling away from the drive-thru without my french fries – why don’t I check? I always say that next time I’ll check. I never do) “grinds my gears” more than hanging a new roll of paper towels (oh, and ALWAYS OVER, never under) to find out there’s more perforations than quilted thirst pockets. I only buy white (designer series is for my mom, and OB doesn’t like teapots and kittens on his man rags), and I buy the single rolls, because they’re always bigger, but I always forget to check (why don’t I check?) to see if it’s one of those new “we’re putting the burden of choice on you” rolls. Those little pricks in Marketing did it to me again. Select-a-Size, Choose-a-Size, Pick-a-Size! Fuck you! I picked a size and he’s taking a nap, so keep your voices down. You cocksuckers think you’re creating a market? You’re “responding to the ever-changing needs of the consumer?” I don’t buy it, and neither does OB, and we will never purposely buy your snake oil, good-for-nothing-pansy-ass-single-ply-over-perforated-under-performing-mini-quilted bull shit again.

Are you listening New Brawny? Yeah, I’m talking to you. You’re not welcome here, with your fancy degree, and your pima-cotton-plaid button-down rolls of bullshit. We all had a meeting about you and you’re OUT. No one ever really liked you. Oh, and your boyfriend, the casting director, got a Dirty Sanchez from Mr. Clean at the last pot-luck. That’s right girly, you’re all washed up, and you’ll never work in this town(home) again!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a grill to heat up. I hear Cheers playing in the other room (which means the news is over and tired ol’ OB needs a new beer and a fresh glass — natch!), so I’ve got to bring him his dinner (I’ve already eaten).

What’s that? After dinner? Well I suppose we’ll watch Gladiator, again, ¬†and Old Brawny will carry me off to the bedroom after I’ve dozed off in his arms. Who knows what will happen behind those closed doors, but just in case you’re wondering…yes, it does matter, and yes, he’s the perfect size.



Bonus Content – A scientific study of Old Brawny versus New Brawny.
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