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Spooky Little Liars

Spooky Little Liars

Not sure if it’s possible for me to be anymore excited than I am for the upcoming 2nd half/Season 5 of Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family).

Although this year I’ll miss what’s become my favorite episode – Halloween!  Looks like it’s off the books for this year.  It was a pretty big deal, not just for fans, but for humanity at large!  I loves me my liars! Toss in some false eyelashes, a mystery train and a dead body, and well, it makes the gayest holiday of the year just a little bit gayer (shoots…scores).

It seems like just yesterday that Adam Lambert guest-starred as the “on-board entertainment” on the Halloween Mystery train ride.  It was painful and awesome and yeah, I know,  Lambert’s a tool.  And that’s why I love the show.  We’ve just passed the 100th episode of #PLL, but  I stopped following the plot line at #2 of Season 1.  Why?  Cause it just doesn’t matter, and for me, the plot is the last reason (albeit still a reason) for me to tune in.

Plot:  5 teen (ha) girls go into barn for a sleepover (with adult beverages) and only 4 come out alive. Now the 4 survivors (The Liars) are being stalked by “A” (presumably the missing girl – dead or alive)?

They had me at “Sleepover.”

The show is based on the popular teen book series of the same name, by Sara Shepard. All the Liars (who are laughably still in High School) are played by mid to late twenty-somethings plucked out of relative obscurity by ABC Family back in 2010.  And as much as I love each and every one of the them, even they are not what keeps me coming back every Tuesday at 8.

Marlene King (writer/producer) has created enough hooks for each demographic to create the perfect brew of teen angst, witty dialogue (which is always easier to receive when delivered by a drop-dead gorgeous Liar), mystery, technology, mental illness and the ol’ reliables – booze, sex and drugs.

Here are some of the key ingredients:

Laura Leighton – Fuck Yeah!  Sydney from Melrose Place.  She’s always got a glass of wine, never cooks, and never leaves the kitchen.  She stole money from her employer (a bank), never got caught and is ass banging Preacher Pussy Pants from Our Lady of Rosewood.  Love!

Pour her a glass of white (never red) and order the Chinese food. Ashley Marin doesn't cook. But don't fuck with her  "Banana" cause she'll cut you.

Pour her a glass of white (never red) and order the Chinese food. Ashley Marin doesn’t cook. But don’t fuck with her “Banana” cause she’ll cut you.

Holly Marie Combs aka “Holly Pocket” – Yes, from Charmed, and yes, she’s still cute as a button, but it’s her obvious discomfort in front of the camera that entertains me.  In virtually every scene her hands can be found in her back pockets, fidgeting with a prop or the “hands down” favorite, semi-clasped held at stomach level. If I drank, I would totally turn this into a drinking game, but I’d also be half-in-the-bag before the opening credits rolled.

The Charlton Heston

The Charlton Heston

The Two-handed Text Clutch

The Two-handed Text Clutch

The Slight of Hands Doubler

The Slight of Hands Doubler

The Ring Stopper

The Ring Stopper

The Ice Cream "Scoop"

The Ice Cream “Scoop”

The Cup Curl

The Cup Curl

The Holly Pocket Back End Wallet Grab

The Holly Pocket Classic

The Slide

The Slide

The Hot Pocket Thumb Hook

The Hot Pocket Thumb Hook

The Follicle Grab

The Follicle Grab

The Ring-finger Cross-over

The Ring-finger Cross-over

walkandpull

The Walk and Pull

The Pinky Pull

The Pinky Pull

The Pinch

The Pinch

The Coy

The Coy

The Mom Chin Grab

The Mom Chin Grab

The Pack & Stuff

The Pack & Stuff

The Gentle Arm Scratch

The Gentle Arm Scratch

The Aggressive Self Arm Grab

The Aggressive Self Arm Grab

The Ibsen

The Ibsen

The Gimme 10

The Gimme 10

The Back Pocket Thumb Hook

The Back Pocket Thumb Hook

The Handbag Binder Double Props Grab

The Binder/Bag Double Play

The Thumb

The Thumb

Chad Lowe – He has way more money than me, has an awesome job, was married to Hillary Swank, has a new hot wife and baby, and yet I  always just feel a little bit sorry for him.  I know you know what I’m talking about.  Poor Chad.

2nd Fiddle?

2nd Fiddle?

Spencer’s Mom (Lesley Fera) – If Mariska Hargitay has a sister, Spencer’s mom could be her.  She’s the only lawyer in Rosewood, and looks slammin’ in court-room-chic. She’s the voice of reason for the Liars and has lots of file folders.  Fuck you Stacey, I’m in in love with Spencer’s Mom!

Mrs. "Don't Fuck W Me" Hastings

Mrs. “Don’t Fuck W Me” Hastings

The Brew – Kind of like the Kelly’s Diner from General Hospital, circa 1980, or the Peach Pit (90210) it’s where everyone in Rosewood goes to meet up.  Of course, it’s destined to eventually become a nightclub a la One Tree Hill.

Rumer Willis Brew's Up Some Girl-on-Girl Steam with Local Lez, Emily

Rumer Willis Brew’s Up Some Girl-on-Girl Steam with Rosewood’s Prime Wool, Emily

The Child Molester – Mr. Fitz, the English teacher touches and scams on his sophomore students, but no one seems to care.  And by no one, I mean the police. It kind of bothers the principal, but not enough to pick up the phone.

Extra Credit - Pedophile Style

Extra Credit – Pedophile Style

Toby Square Face and the Do-Rag – If Richard Marx has a son, this is what he must look like.  He’s the mopey perpetual victim and is always “protecting” the girls.  He’s actually kind of a sad sack douche hole, and the only time I liked him was in the flash-back to his stint in “Joovey” and they put him in a do-rag to a) cover his present day locks and b) give him some street cred.  Keeping in mind that if he was out wilding, it was on the lily-white upper class streets of Rosewood.  Nonetheless, it was AWESOME and so tweet-worthy.

Tobeezy

Tobeezy

Nia Peeples – Yes, of Fame fame.  Isn’t that enough?

I'm Gonna Live Forever

I’m Gonna Live Forever

Mona in a Nurse’s Cap – That Mona will do anything to get out of Radley (local nuthouse), including posing as an LPN. She’s the Liars’ best frenemy and could totally have her own show.  Maybe a bitchy remake of Michael Learned’s Nurse?

Get Me "Red Coat", STAT!

Get Me “Red Coat”, STAT!

Jake (Ryan Guzman)  – This little mother fucker is the hottest little slice of blueberry pie crusted man butter.  Watch him line dance and then tell me I’m crazy.  Who moved the fainting couch?

Holy Fuckballs!

Holy Fuckballs!

Emily (Shay Mitchell) – The hottest of the girls who of course, works at The Brew.  She’s positioned as a shy, graceful coming-of-age self-identified jock lesbian, but when push comes to shove, this chick is kind of loose.  She’s had more bed-fellows than all the Liars combined.  Every episode some new chick in a plaid vest shows up batting her 18-inch eye lashes and cooing at Emily’s door.  It’s a mixed message tied up in a stylish and slutty bow.  Oh, and she’s about as 17 as I am.

Even the old chick wants a slice.

Even the old chick wants a slice.

The PLL mix is a guilty pleasure gone horribly right, and I hope our Liars can survive a few more seasons (before menopause creeps in).  College is certainly the next step for Season 6, but for now it’s fun to see them nibbling on carrot sticks al fresco at Rosewood High (odd for Pennsylvania in the Winter) in their Kors boots & Revitalift.

Tune in if you get the chance, Happy Halloween and Go Sharks!

XO,

Scott

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